Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
