Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
