Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
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So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
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Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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