so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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