so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
