I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
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she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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