I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
