She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
