Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
