I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
