Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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