Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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