just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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