Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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