Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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