my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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