I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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