Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
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the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
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Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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