do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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