I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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