its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
