I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
