Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
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He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
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He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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