So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
