thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
