I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
