how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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