Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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