Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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