Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
