so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
