There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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