Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
