Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
