if i can run in heels then i can drive
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
being pregnant is like rehab
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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