God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I need to calm my uterus...
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
