your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
