she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
