Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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