I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
