I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Congratulations! We have a period
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