I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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