I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.