Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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