the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
