My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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