just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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