he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I cut my penus on the lid.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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