you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
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They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
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I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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