I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
