So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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