some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
