I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
