theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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