TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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