I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
