now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
