my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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