I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
