And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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