There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
